Tourniquet
by Skeleton Leaves
Summary: A look inside Edward's mind at various points throughout Twilight.
1. Miles to go Before I Sleep

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did. Oh, and I don't own the chapter title either. I'm not quite sure who does since Robert Frost is dead, but it certainly isn't me.

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Miles to go Before I Sleep

_Each mile that I put between Forks and myself is not just another layer of protection for Bella Swan, but for my family as well._

In the last few hours those words had become my mantra. Two solid reasons that would keep me from destroying everything.

_This girl hasn't done a thing that would warrant being brutally murdered_, I reminded myself, _and my family hasn't done a thing to deserve the potential repercussions of my actions._

I knew they wouldn't be happy with me, Esme's reaction was particularly painful to picture, but it really was for their benefit that I was doing all this. Thankfully, Carlisle had understood my motivation and I knew that he'd try to make the others understand too.

Still, I could look forward to an angry phone call from at least one of them when I reached my destination. I wouldn't have to wait much longer, each mile, each layer of protection, was bringing me closer to Denali. I'd be there soon enough, breathing the fresh mountain air that, hopefully, would wash away the memory of Bella's stirring scent. Part of me felt that there was nothing that could dispel her fragrance from my thoughts. Nothing at all that could make me forget such a delicious scent. I could recall with perfect clarity the way it had wafted from her skin and wrapped me in a heady cloud that I could not escape and could barely resist….

Merely thinking about that torturous hour was enough to make my control slip and I was startled to discover that I had wrenched the wheel around and the car was dutifully following suit.

_Each mile that I put between Forks and myself is not just another layer of protection for Bella Swan, but for my family as well._

I forced myself to not correct the wheel, allowing it to spin a full 360 degrees before straightening out. I revved the engine, urging the car to move forward faster, as if to prove that I had not been so tempted to return to Forks.

_Each mile means that an innocent girl is safe. Each mile means that my family is safe._


	2. Lions in the Cages of their Choice

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did. Nor do I own the title of the chapter. Derek Walcott does.

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Lions in the Cages of their Choice

She knew. No matter what my extra sense might suggest, Bella Swans mind was far from a blank slate. She had tricked, interrogated, and researched her way to the truth. All without my knowledge.

If Bella had done all that with me none the wiser, what else could she accomplish? The words _almost anything_ appeared much too stark in my mind and I couldn't help but recall my family's warnings.

"She's dangerous", Emmett's strong build making a sharp contradiction.

"You've let this go too far", Jasper's face as calm and cold as his voice.

"Put an end to it. Now", Rosalie's eyes gleaming with fanaticism.

_Easy for them to say_. They didn't have to feel all the things that I did. The damnable thirst that would rise up in me whilst I stood in her presence. The desire for her blood, her life force, became more prominent the longer I lingered near her. Each beat of her heart brought me closer to the unsurpassable reward. The unforgivable sin.

For these violent urges had evolved into something more. Something elusive, yet brimming with power. Something I was uncharacteristically frightened to label.

It was this new feeling that drove me to offer myself up as a chaperone (though if I had used that word out loud, Bella would most certainly not have agreed). It drove me to follow her to Port Angeles and it launched me straight into a confrontation that my heart of hearts knew was unavoidable. And now she knew the truth.

While part of me, the dreamer (the traitor), was dazzled with all the possibilities that had opened up, the other part, the rationalist, knew better. I had become all the more dangerous to her. Spending time with Bella could quite easily lead to a messy and unthinkable result

Despite this knowledge, I knew I was in too deep to simply walk away. She was a beacon of light and I, the moth being drawn in. Still worse, I knew the reverse was equally true. The line I now walked was more precarious than the edge of a cliff.

I lifted my head off the wall it had been resting against and let it fall back again with a resounding smack. Bits of plaster and chalk-like dust flew outwards from the impact. I, however, felt no pain. I had known that I wouldn't and now I had a wall to repair before Esme found out.


	3. Sunken in the Fragrance

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did. Nor do I own the title of the chapter. It is a translation of a line from Pablo Neruda's poem "Oda Al Limón".

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Sunken in the Fragrance

All words, all thoughts, which could possibly be used to describe the flavor filling my mouth fell short by immeasurable yards. There was no explanation. No words that could give it justice. All that existed was sensation and taste…

Burning, burning, burning. The edges of her wound seared against my mouth in the same fashion that Bella's lips had in the past.

My mind was beyond muddled. It had ceased to exist the instant my lips had come in contact with most exquisite of liquids. _What was I supposed to be doing?_

I could feel Bella's pulse throbbing against my mouth, pushing more of her life into my awaiting jaws. There was something wrong with the beat though. It took me the briefest of seconds to recognize the fading quality…softer…softer…

James had bitten my Bella's hand. _That's right_. Necessity forced me to give in to the wicked act that I had been struggling to resist these past weeks. So I could save her. But in my attempt to preserve Bella's life, I was killing her. My mind was functioning like a fractured mirror and my body was moved on its own accord. Centuries of ancient instinct trumping any present condition.

Burning, burning, burning. The slickness, the hot mixture of scent and taste, everything was clean. None of the blood flowing now held that distinct flavor attributed to vampire venom. It was purely Bella. And I still couldn't stop.

This was the stuff that my waking nightmares were made out of. Bella. Dead because of a vicious impulse that I was too much of a monster to control. My memories forever tortured, my life eternally stained. And for what? A few sacred moments of the finest wine the world could offer? The little shard of coherence that I retained rebelled against the idea.

My tongue had taken to lapping at the broken skin in order to collect every drop of the holiest and most damning nectar. It was thick and carnal and the closest I would ever come to touching God.

_No_. Holding Bella, listening to her heart beat, feeling the heat from her skin, her lips on mine. My love for her brought me closer.

In the next moment I found myself lying on the ground next to Bella, gasping for unnecessary breath. Her essence still filled my senses, but contact was no longer the reason.

I had torn myself away. How I had managed it wasn't important though. Not now. The shards of my mind were on overdrive. _Bella, Bella, Bella…Forget the burning…Bella…free flowing blood…no…fading pulse…Bella…_

I grasped her wrist, feeling for what would save me. Her pulse, weak yet present. The throbbing was consistent against my hand, no longer fading. Something inside me lifted then as if on wings. Time jolted back to normal. The muted sound of voices grew clearer as my brain slowly pieced itself together.

Bella's faint voice sounded sweeter than her blood could ever taste.


	4. The Sweet of Bitter Bark

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did. Once again, the title of the chapter isn't mine either. It belongs to Robert Frost or whoever he gave his rights to.

On a different note, this is the last chapter of Tourniquet. I would like to thank all of those who took the time to read it and especially those who reviewed. You guys really are too kind. Just so you know, I'm not too fond of this chapter. It just would not come out the way I wanted it to and I hate ending it this way. Maybe if inspiration strikes one day I can fix it.

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The Sweet of Bitter Bark

As I practically carry Bella back into the gym I fruitlessly try to quell my rising terror. How can she be so…**ready** to end her life? To banish her soul to the depths of hell? It doesn't make any sense.

I have done everything in my power to keep her alive. I came so close to losing her not too long ago! And what does she start talking about the second she's safe? Death and damnation!

She acts like it's nothing. Just as risk-free and normal as breathing in and out. Key word: acts. I can tell that she **is **scared on some level and that's the only thing that keeps me from thinking that the doctors were wrong and Bella did sustain some permanent brain damage. This fear does me no good though. It only serves to indicate that she's clearly putting it into the corner of her mind so she can focus on what she believes is more important. Being with me. Forever.

I'm not going to lie. Not to myself at any rate. The idea of having Bella forever is incredibly appealing. Almost seductively so. But then I consider the price she would have to pay and it's all I can do not to shudder. I will not turn her into a monster. She should not have to struggle to be good when she was made that way in the first place. I don't want to see pain on my angel's face because she made the tiny mistake of getting too close to someone too soon. She just doesn't deserve to know that sort of anguish.

I want to protect her, keep her from learning things that no one as innocent as her should have to learn. Like the amount of time it takes to drain someone of their blood. I'd rather be banned from Bella's presence, her entire world, than let her find out. Than force her to find out.

I pull Bella even closer to me as the thoughts of others filter through my brain.

_"Maybe, if I play my cards right…"_

_"I still can't believe he actually asked me"_

_"Why, oh, why did I wear this dress? I should have gone with the green one"_

These were the type of thoughts that Bella deserved. Alright, maybe not these exact ones. But certainly those that followed the same vein of normalcy. While these children's thoughts had been mostly harmless **I** had been focused on the consequences of turning my love into a soulless demon.

_"She is so gorgeous"_

Well, there was one thought that I could find a common bond with; Bella was truly exquisite. And mine. To love and protect. I rolled my eyes just then, for I could practically hear Emmett taunting, "in sickness and in health". Even though that is true as well.

I look down at her, not quite as long a journey as usual since she's balanced on my feet. Oh, why can't she understand? Why can't she empathize?

I would do anything for her. Anything except the one thing she seemed to want the most.


End file.
